“Your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself”
From the moment they realize they are pregnant, women often shift from being “me” to being a “mom-and-child”. This is re-enforced through the early years, and most mothers feel both pride and pangs of separation when their little ones go off to school.
Unfortunately there are moms who find it impossible to let go at any time. These moms share and peer into every corner of the child’s life and act as if their child’s life is their own. They cannot see the child as a separate person; they see their child’s identity as being one with theirs.
Moms who interfere with their child’s normal attempts at independence have anxieties of their own, that are triggered by the child’s growing away from her – really just growing up. Unconsciously they see their kids as an extension of themselves, and constantly feel the child doesn’t really know what’s best and so she must intervene. In reality the child’s existence must make up for their own childhood failures and deprivations. And so they relentlessly plan, schedule, car pool, push and prod their kids into a facsimile of “mini-me”.
In fact, even when the “kids” are forty-year-olds, these moms may still be like this, and still be anxious about their children making the “correct” decisions in every part of their lives. These moms are “micro-manager moms”, and in trying to control every aspect of their children’s lives they create unnecessary stress for themselves and immaturity and dependency in their offspring.
Paula, a 13 year old, was referred to a psychologist by her pediatrician for anxiety and self-esteem issues. In therapy with children, confidentiality is most important to give the child a place to think and express things that may be taboo at home.
She was brought to every appointment by her mother, although Paula could easily have walked there after school. After a few sessions, Paula confided her fears that she might be gay and how these doubts affected her self-esteem. The following day, the psychologist received a call from Paula’s mother who was incensed that the psychologist had discussed sexual matters with her daughter, demanded a thorough summary of each Paula’s sessions, and promptly cancelled future appointments.
Paula’s mother illustrates the micro-manager mom’s issues with boundaries and respecting confidentiality. She had intruded into her own daughter’s therapy, effectively destroying Paula’s attempt to establish her own identity and raising Paula’s post-treatment anxiety even higher than it was before.
As children grow up and see their mother’s worrying and micro-managing approach, they may take on this behavior themselves as they grow up. If they are used to their mom always interfering, asking details, criticizing, and saying how they should feel and what they should say or do in every life scenario, such behavioral copying and low self-trust becomes endemic. The results can become generational, almost like a family habit.
Anxiety is serious, and the best way to treat anxiety is with psychological treatment by a trained professional. This is particularly important with anxious families and micro-managing moms, as these are serious external influences affecting the anxiety in the child.
Anxiety can really degrade the quality of living as a result, and addressing it with a professional is an important and effective investment of time and money.
Patients in this story are a fictional composite of people who have sought help for this issue. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
Dr. Eva Fisher is an Ottawa psychologist who has been providing psychotherapy for a variety of issues for over 20 years. Follow her on Twitter @drevafisher, Facebook or Instagram @dr_evafisher. Blog writing assisted by freelance journalist Alyssa McMurtry.
Written by Dr. Eva Fisher C Psych
All rights reserved. Copyright protected.